And I would love to have documented some of that on this blog, but (and by the way, WTF? since no one reads it...) bitching about my diet has nothing to do with sewing. And the blog is supposed to be about sewing.
I could have started another blog, and don't kid yourself: I considered it, but that would have been insane! What, when I want to write a blog post about my diet, I go to "sadiestarves.blogspot.com" and I tap-tap-tap away about how I put a teaspoon of sugar in my oatmeal and now I have to spend twenty more minutes on the elliptical? And when I want to write about sewing I come back here and tap-tap-tap about the house quilt I'm (not) working on for my parents?
And what happens if I develop another interest? For instance, once I lose twenty more pounds (God have mercy), we're going to start trying for a baby. Sadiepeesonastick.blogspot.com? Then when it works...
The ins and outs of this one are a little too dicy for me. It's only 8 am. The fact is, I want to share sewing stuff with other people on the internet, but I also want to share stuff about my personal life--not so much with other people on the internet, but I feel better once I've put things in the right words. And something about publishing it all, and the possibility that someone might stumble upon it...that is a balm.
The only place I ever share this site address, though, is in comments on sewing blogs. And so I started to feel kind of...beholden to those people. Like they'll go "oh! This person looks forward to trying my technique for ironing seams open. I wonder what project sadie is sewing right now?" And then they'll visit here, only to discover some half-starved fat girl pounding away on her keyboard about her latest neurotic obsession. And *gasp!* swearing like a sailor.
I feel like the title of the blog misrepresents me, but I also feel like I want to have it all in one place: the photos of quilting projects; the rants about how blogging is a weird thing to do; the half-drunk, profanity-laden tirades; the raging fury directed at that goddamn animated Wii Fit balance board who's all like, "That's overweight!" every fucking time I step onto the scale. And politics! I want this to be a place where I can be a lunatic when confronted with the lunatics on Facebook who post things like :
"Thoughts Perez? RT @PerezHilton: Fox News had the top 13 programs on cable news in total viewers for 5th month in a row"
I really don't know exactly what this means, but I think this guy is calling out Perez Hilton (whom he almost certainly doesn't know personally) regarding the "dominance" of Fox News programming? Aaaaand, with that, I have staked my claim. This blog is no longer just about sewing! I will no longer feel furtive when I post something that doesn't involve a photograph of fabric! (Or food, which I felt comfortable writing about because it is somehow akin to sewing in its apolitical hominess)...
Right. Clearly what might have passed for my eloquence is deserting me. This has all been a ploy to keep me off that damnable Wii Fit scale anyway.
But quickly: if you secretly read this and do not want to be discovered for some reason, and right now you're in the grip of some kind of panic that I'm about to turn into one of those chirpy "Fitness-and-nutrition-changed-my-life!-I-lost-one-tenth-of-a-pound-and-I'm-so-proud-of-my-progress!!" people, fear not. I promise not to write about the diet every day, and I promise not to be falsely positive about every fucking ounce I take off. I have too much weight to lose, and too much longing for huge forks full of fresh fluttery, buttery pasta to toe the party line of those other weight-loss blogs, to which I misguidedly turned in the early days of this diet. I believe that being positive is important. But nothing grates more than the vapid positivity pressed upon fat girls by skinny, patronizing diet gurus. "Oh, [furrowed brow, lower lip jutting out in this-is-what-Barbie-looks-like-when-she's-being-sympathetic fashion] I know it seems hard right, when you've been working out like crazy and eating like 1400 calories every day and STILL haven't lost a pount, but keep your chin up! It just takes some time!!"
No. I am pissed. I have lost weight, but I have a lot more to lose and that just fucking sucks. Admitting that doesn't make me fatter and it doesn't mean I'm less motivated. Those chirpy, perky celebrate-every-ounce people have got to be carrying around some of the same discouragement--and "well, I'm disappointed but I know it's a marathon and not a sprint" just isn't a totally natural way to express yourself. It's good to keep that in mind, but being pissed that you're fat is a valid feeling, dammit! And when you're spending every waking moment controlling the stuff you put in your body, giving free rein to your frustrations and anger is a good feeling.
So I will write more about the diet as I (hopefully) continue to lose weight at a fat sluggish snail's pace. I will tell you a little more about the skinny girl I truly am. I will even include some rational descriptions of my approach and the history of Fat Sadie. But there will be no false cheer. I love food and I love excess, so dieting is pretty damned grim for me.
That's all. Time to go add a disclaimer to the banner of this blog, whose title will from this moment on be a little misleading.
